Okay, …it has happened…I turned into my mother.
But worst than that somehow during my sleep I was picked up by an alien space ship and dropped on some unknown planet where the residents look like my teenage daughter. This creature has her face, voice and blond hair but the similarities stop there. I was sitting at my kitchen table (or at least the hologram image of my table) innocently sipping my Mocha- Java International Coffee and looked up to see this creature in my daughter’s skin oddly staring back at me. This is where I made my first mistake…I smiled back. Now not realizing I was no longer ON EARTH I wasn’t aware that a smile is the expression of pure hostility on this new planet. The “my daughter look-a-like” glared back at me and yelled, “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???”
Next mistake…I spoke back. Not knowing the sound of my voice would send this creature into a horrible frenzy of confusion and contempt. In 15 seconds I learned I had caused her break-out on her forehead, her hair is frizzy, her alarm clock waking her up late, someone breaking in overnight and stealing ALL her wearable clothes …leaving her NOTHING to wear and I think the Fall of Rome. The third mistake…trying to “reason” with the said creature in pink lip gloss. This is where the confusion of the languages came in. I being the kind of mom that offers advice came up with what I thought was a solution to the problems keeping this creature from functioning. I suggested applying some pimple cream to the third eye appearing on her forehead…this I found her ears to hear…WEAR A LARGE SIGN SAYING I AM A PIMPLE COVERED GEEK!
Moving onto the frizzy hair I suggested she use some of the smoothing gel I had searched 15 stores to find…but again her ears heard…WEAR A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD SO NO ONE WILL SEE YOU!
I thought I would be safe discussing the alarm clock…I mentioned how maybe she had hit the snooze button…but in the alien planet air that was heard as…SEE I KEEP TELLING ALL MY FRIENDS HOW LAZY YOU ARE!
Now I must admit by this point my sugar-free, fat-free Mocha-Java coffee was cold, I was worn out and this may not have been the time to try and “teach” the creature anything…so when I suggested her “nothing to wear” dilemma was maybe caused by her never getting her clothes into the hamper to be washed…I should have known this was declaring war in alien speak. As they say, …if looks could kill…well, let’s just say I’d be typing this from a cloud. The creature squealed a horrible high pitch wail…flipped it’s hair and stormed out of the room…I was certain to gather reinforcements from its fellow creatures and come back to eat me alive. So I decided to re-heat my coffee in the microwave as I would need all the strength I could muster. Now here is the part that just made my day…behind me the creature had been greeted by her father…my husband…and this is the exchange I overheard… “Good Morning sweetie.” “Hi, Daddy…I love you, have a good day.” “Love you too.”
And I realized at that moment that the 17 hours of labor pains I had were just hitting their peak now…15 years later.